November 15, 2016  at exactly 12:15 in the afternoon, a tiny little human weighing 6 pounds 15 ounces and 49 centimeter long came straight out of me. It was the weirdest feeling. I was blanked, happy, relieved, scared. I did not know what to do in front of the hospital staff around me. I wanted them to vanish and leave my son with me. Just me and him. I could hear them say, “congratulations!” It was odd not being so overly excited. I thought I would be. It was a different happiness and excitement. I was calm. Different. I just couldn’t believe that there was a human on top of me. My OB placed my son on my chest and I could feel his pinkish, warm and soft skin. He was making this cute  sound but I knew he was not crying. His head was full of hair, eyes were so dark and mesmerizing. I saw his tiny hands moving and trying to grasp anything he felt. It was surreal.

November 13, 2016. 6 o’clock in the evening. I was actually trying to put my self in labor. I indulged myself with lots of pineapple. I read online that it could cause contractions. I also drank 3 cups of raspberry leaf tea and had 6 dates. I wanted to see my son so bad that I did many things to get there. I was just so over being pregnant. Before dinner, I did squat for an hour. Walk. Squat. Walk. Squat. It was weird being able to squat comfortably despite my Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD). After dinner, I resumed with what I had started for another hour. That night I was still up until 4 am for no apparent reason. I didn’t sleep in the afternoon so I thought I could sleep soon in the night but I couldn’t. I went to the bathroom to pee countless times. I tried to tire myself by watching some YouTube videos but I was wide awake. At around 4 am, I fell asleep and woke up 30 minutes later. I felt a rhythmic contractions. It was not painful nor uncomfortable. I just felt weird that it did not feel familiar. I tried to ignore it and went back to sleep. I woke up at 6 and the contractions were more intense although not painful. It was like mild menstrual cramps. I went to the bathroom to pee and to my surprise, something came out. It was my mucus plug. I hurriedly woke my husband up and told him what happened. We were excited. We prepared and left for the hospital only to be sent home. After having been monitored for an hour perhaps, the doctor said that I was just 1 cm dilated and my contractions were irregular. It was disappointing. We went home and took a rest. We decided to visit my OB. I was 1.5 dilated and 90 percent effaced. I did not know what it meant but it was clear that it wasn’t it yet. We went home and I rested. When I woke up at 5 in the afternoon I felt the contractions were much more intense than the ones I felt in the morning. This time, I felt pain but tolerable. I managed to cook dinner as my contractions progressed. After dinner, I did squatting again and I actually felt relief from the contractions by doing so. I knew my baby was coming very soon. At 10 pm, I decided to take a nap. I woke up at 11 pm and went to the bathroom. Another thing came out and it was the rest of my mucus plug. It was HUGE and jelly like. After it came out, the contractions got worse but I could still talk and walk. My husband insisted we go to the hospital soon but I did not want to be sent home again and be disappointed. It was not too long when the contractions almost stop me from what I was doing and so we decided to run to the hospital. I was 2.5 dilated at 12 midnight. I was hooked up to a fetal and contractions monitor machine. At 1 am, my son kicked so hard that broke my water. I was leaking and in terrible pain. So awful I felt like I sweat the entire water in my body. I had the classic back labor and my SPD added to my torture. I thought it was the end of my life. I know I am overly dramatic but that is how I can describe it. I was questioning my capabilty. Fuck instagram. I saw too many videos and pictures of women giving birth and it did not look or feel this way. I did not feel pretty and powerful. I felt like shit. I was crying without tears. Not because of the pain but how disappointed I was to myself. Why was I in so much pain? Would I be able to make this alive? I need someone’s support not a fucking machine and a sleepy nurse who kept on yawning next to me. Two hours later, I felt something warm coming out of me. I suspected it was blood because it felt thick and it was indeed blood. I told the nurse about it and that the pain was horrible and I needed an epidural. The blood did not seem to bother her. I heard another nurse/ doctor or whatever she was, saying that I was under observation and I was only 2.5 cm and epidural was not an option at that time. I wanted to yell at her and told her that I was 2.5 cm 2 hours ago and there was no way that I stayed 2 cm with this horrendous pain. I was hoping someone would stick their finger inside me and check my cervix to prove my thoery. After a decade, a doctor checked me out and she was surprised that I was already  7 cm dilated. I knew it! This baby was coming out soon. She did not trust herself so another doctor checked me and indeed I was 7 cm dilated and 90 percent effaced. I progressed that fast and felt like dying fast too. I don’t know how I made that long hours of staying in labor room but I did it anyway. Lying on my back was the worst. I wanted to curse everybody who asked me to move my body into a different position. The whole time I was wondering where my husband was. He was not allowed to be inside the labor room. I really hoped he was with me. I felt vulnerable and I needed him. I wanted him to say that everything was going to be fine.

After another decade and a thousand times of begging for epidural I was transferred to the delivery room on a wheelchair. I was soaking in my sweat and I felt filthy. My hospital gown was wet because of the amniotic fluid and blood that came out earlier. Finally I was in the delivery room. I thought it was the end of it. I could finally see my baby but I was wrong again. I was stuck there for another 2 hours and in major pain. I was literally crying. I wanted my husband’s presence but it was impossible. I could not do anything but look at people’s faces staring at my vagina like some sort of artifact in the museum. I felt the urge to push but one nurse kept saying not to and that made the pain worse. What the actual hell? I wanted to push but according to them, my doctor was not there yet. Seriously???

When somebody said that the anesthesiologist just arrived I thought I heard an “angel” had arrived. I heard that when the epidural is injected on the back, it is going to hurt. However, there was no pain. Not even a pinch. The moment the epidural took effect, I became myself again. It felt like Christmas morning. I could hear and understand what everybody was saying. I could see clearly and most importantly, the pain magically disappeared in an instant! Of course it was science and not magic. I really thought I could make this without epidural. I was ready not until this day. Some women may say that I did not actually feel the real pain of labor but who cares? I have nothing to prove. With or without epidural, Cesarean or vaginal delivery, this is giving birth. There is no top 1 or top 2 for the best delivery. Every woman should be honored for doing this amazing job.

I was able to nap for 30 minutes. When I woke up, I was all smile and talking to the people around me. I saw my OB arriving at around 7:45 am. She asked me if I was OK, and I smiled saying “Yeah”. In my mind, I wanted to say, “if you came earlier you wouldn’t ask me that question.”

At 8 am, I was fully dilated and ready to push. I was worried about not being able to push because of the epidural. In fact, I was super comfortable that I was not able to feel the urge to push. I had been pushing for 4 hours. My LO just won’t come out. I felt something in my left pelvic area I knew it was his hand. I just knew it. My OB told me that we had to use some sort of vacuum. Not the metal one but a plastic one made in Japan, according to her. She tried to explain to me about it but I really did not care. All I wanted was for her to take my baby out of my body so I could see him already. Plus, I was very exhausted. She talked to my husband about it and came back. They started preparing. I had to push so hard for the last time or else I would end up having a Cesarean Section which was the last thing I wanted to have. I wanted to deliver my baby naturally so bad. I wanted a fast recovery. And for the very last time, I gathered all the chakras and pushed as hard as I can. I felt my baby swimming out of me. It was like the biggest poop coming out and it felt really good. I remember saying “Finally.”


Kai was so little and beautiful. Suddenly there was me and him in the room. I was speechless. His eyes were the ones I noticed immediately. They were enchanting. The doctor said that his hand was blocking the way and his cord were wrapped around his neck twice. I knew it!


I will never forget the day my son was born and I will never forget the months he was inside me kicking and wiggling begging for food in the middle of the night. All the pain was worth it. A woman’s body is amazing. I have never been proud of being someone’s mother.

Time to feed Kai. Bye for now.



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